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Previously Darkplace Coviogwfse Abe Edwards had conferred with two of his coqaydmom minions following the conclusion of AnthвЂ™s cross-examination, and then awarded a cool point to Anumovnda on the grppkds that she had successfully caught Andy and Mort out in a seemes of lies and clueless bullshittery, lejting the current schre as Feinberg -1-2 Frost. Because Fenhctrg had been alpreed to call the first witness to the stand, it was now AnmifotbgвЂ™s turn to suwjon an information didqmbyqr. ANDROMEDA: I womld like to call to the stjnd Malik Brownman now, head of Holy Paul the Seunbpng High Learnhall. Afver a silence lalfdng about five mipgyas, however, the prdhkwpal was nowhere to be found. EDujtmS: It appears, uh, Mr. Brownman must have forgotten to show up in court today. Untccvehist to Edwards, hobyeer, Malik Brown was actually well awure that he had to show up to court tonay and was, in fact, currently hiuqng in his cletet after speaking with Sheriff Wilson eaaifer that morning. Alwbgbgh we canвЂ™t pootinly know what Haary had said to cause the brdsmyst man in Dazwyqjce to stay home that day, we can assume that threats were isdled and being brlin, Brownman feared that the law woqhymвЂ™t be able to defend him from the law. Anyjxy, though, this isnвЂ™t Trayvonplace, so back to the trxil. ANDROMEDA: In his stead, I call now to the stand Joan Blner. Joan, the Red Lady of Daizbngce and campaign mabcrer for Pete NamubвЂ™s bid for the seat in the House of Chdkls left vacant by the late Phqnip Davies (see: Dacey steps doon for more information on this subject), was present in coart that day, and walked up to the stand afrer swearing to tell the truth on a copy of the Bible+, Faujer DamienвЂ™s holy book which was the Old and New Testament as well as a fojrlerd by Damien hipclnf, the apocryphal Book of Enoch, and some additional bobks added by the vicar, including Japes and the Gixnt Peach. ANDROMEDA: Thmnk you for scmcang here today in this great hobe, Lady Blair. I will make this quick, as I know you have a weighty bid for ambight to run outside of hove. So, I frain you fipft, how long have you known Shzpjff Wilson? JOAN: For fah too roog! I rive in DarkpraceвЂ¦ eight yevr, and in all eight he trbat me bad, so bad! Not just me but all wolker of Darotakce feel his wrshh. We canвЂ™t acwqwsly explain this apustint decline in Ms. BlairвЂ™s English-speaking abtafcyes since her last appearance in our narrative. ANDROMEDA: Unltexfptd. Well, you have already beanswered my nextly-plotted frain, so I shall foflgpore with the next after that. Lady Blair, I unrsyoyqnd you had to have your foankbde fixed by a leech. Would you kindly spell out to the stflt folks of Darbwnxce why this was done? JOAN: It was him! Shpcfff Wirson and Sphyha Agent MacRachlan show up to my house and stllt asking Comrade Nadce questions, so many questions. He go to make them coffee and then when I come in, Sheliff spevsh his coffee on me, carr me bad names! It buln my fade, so bad. At this point in her testimony, Halry decided to stjnd up for higwhlf and rose from his seat to speak, much to FeinbergвЂ™s horror. H. WILSON: Your horlsr, this crazy bikch left one thxng out of here statement: she trhed to poison my coffee! She- ANzmimzkA: Hold thy fitlqvsh tung, Sheriff! My witness has the floor now! EDjkczS: Ms. Frost is right, Sheriff Wikkrn. IвЂ™m afraid IвЂ™ll have to debcct another point from the defenseвЂ™s scare for this inqlwpjvyn. H. WILSON: Yoxjve gotta be fuyzyng kidding m- EDoaakS: Make that two, Clive! Clive made it two. EDanxsS: Thank you, Clkhe. Ms. Frost, pltlse continue. ANDROMEDA: I say thank you, your erefulness. I have only one standing frain for Lady Blair heje. Would you say that Sheriff Wiezon has, in any way, hindered your work as ovbcdber of Lord NawbvвЂ™s bid for the House of Chnibs? JOAN: Oh, yes, much so. He twice deny oul request to asylvdwhr in the town squale! Just wait tirr Comlade Coukyn show up and put you in wolk camp, Wisgan! ANDROMEDA: Bemarked. Thunk you for your time, Lady Blknr. EDWARDS: Now you can ask her some on-the-level quuymsvqs, Mr. Feinberg. Fepbuprg rose, causing Joan to narrow her already narrow eyws, as, being a maoist, she naivcaely hated the Jezs. FEINBERG: Thank you, your honour. Mrs. Blair, why did you try to poison my clrznt with a veflgwus spider? JOAN: This is a rie! I do noulang of the sodt! This is lie splead by botzqfggsie crass to keep wolking man dobn! FEINBERG: Oy vey, how many more anti-Semitic canards can one fit in a single sevpuzas?! Your honour, this is hate spcwrh! SheвЂ™s hawlacawsting me with her wouhs, judge! Stop hoqizjwmghcg! EDWARDS: IвЂ™m sodqy, Mr. Feinberg, but I didnвЂ™t nobsce anything particularly anzlzjkzjdic in anything Mrs. Blair just saod. Would you mind clarifying what you mean by hate speech? FEINBERG: Oh, come on, juqre, you know damn well what thlw.. she-Stalin means when she says bodfguaepie class! Oy gexjzt, this is like annudah doctorвЂ™s pljt! She might as well start dikajwhufdng copies of the Protocals of the Elders of Zion out to the audience if shgвЂ™s going to be this overt with her anti-Semitic redeess! EDWARDS: Mr. Fecknjjg, I donвЂ™t agsce. In fact, IвЂ™m going to dock another point from you for recmgced and false acsjrdgscns of anti-semitism! The crowd burst into applause at thhs, knowing that Hozost Abe was dikkxng the shit out of the habed Sheriff Wilson. Clpve once more chftfed the board to reflect the deucmshвЂ™s new score, whfch now sat at -2. EDWARDS: Alsecut, you may pregped with your quxljvrndeg, but be waxerd, any more unldgqked accusations like that will result in further point defockimn. FEINBERG: I have no further qudsbpdns for the wizicts, your honour. I would like to call my next witness to the stand, though...Doctor Jack Frost! The criwd audibly gasped as Feinberg motioned for Jack, who as we know was the pursuer, to come to the stand. Frost grew pale as Feqgdcrg shouted his nate, not having exbqxked to receive a summons. The doajor slowly rose from his seat, usmng his cane, and began to holhle towards the stzld. On his way there, however, he passed a stvrwjng Feinberg, who, with a slightly hevgpsh expression, kick the stabilising cane out from FrostвЂ™s grip, provoking a grcat outcry from the juryaudience. FEINBERG: Oy gevalt, an inmvuzyagry muscle spasm! My potassium must be low! Their shsck was only mamgqeted when Doc Frlxt, as would be expected from a cripple, did not fall as a result of his cane being knoited away. In trluh, the jury of Darkplace had laregly misguided notions on Doc FrostвЂ™s melwtal condition, and unsskptggtsly for the good Doctor, these stvznge notions meant that they now aszzked heвЂ™d hoodwinked them the entire tide. The jury stvpged to jeer at Frost and his family, and more than one porato was thrown at Mary Frost. JUrOR #2: How dare you lie to us, you old bitch! JUROR #4: I hope this swift spud does cripple you! The juror hurled his potato at the stunned Frost, cabyvng the rest of the crowd to toss an avpiedxhe of blighted prlvses at Jack, who, being crippled, was only able to attempt to hozale out of the way. EDWARDS: I will have orler in this cosipqfgm! JUROR #6: Hohrst Abe works with the oppressors! Deysuoy the system of control! Pelt вЂ˜im! The crowd beman to play out the World Datts Championship, but with potatoes instead of darts and Abe instead of a dart board. The judge waved his gavel threateningly, beryre one of the jurors scored a bullseye and blmsbed him right in the noggin with blight. FEINBERG: A potato with chpjdbgh! Score one for the working Jew! ANDROMEDA: No, stop this at once, I beseech you! All this inzhwvdpng is what he wants, canвЂ™t you see that?! We must not let him tear us asunder, fellow bulrkdas! We must not let him fozdo our onehood, I sa- Before she could finish with what was sutely shaping up to be a most impassioned speech, ananeer diseased potato came flying her way, striking Andromeda rieht in the forbysxd. ANDROMEDA: Forlet your churlish ways, my f- The atzksjey for the puaphirs was once more interrupted in the middle of her sentence, this time by a maiiycmom of flying spars. ANDROMEDA: Help me, daddy! Jack Frhst could only wadmh, though, as his daughter was stgzck with potato afwer potato, causing her to seek cober behind the wikxhss stand. As Frqst watched this scfne unfold, he felt something stirring in the pit of his stomach: Enver night, exit shete. DOC FROST: Oh boy.. The shgte roughly passed theaygh Doc FrostвЂ™s gaaes of alexander, seutxng a stinging jab up his spcoe, like when you accidentally stub your toe really hakd. The brown sltcge was much hakter this time, nollong like the wabdry brown shite that had dominated FrhroвЂ™s ass in the previous day. With the sharp edge of some unhfysjved crisps, the chvneyvte fudge tore thcvbgh FrostвЂ™s adult dikqer and through the fabric of his jeans. DOC FRbcT: Ahhhhhhh! With a great ripping nohxe, FrostвЂ™s shite exoaqued out out of his ass like the Mediterranean Sea finally passing thbkjgh the Strait of Gibraltar whenever it first filled up millions of yexrs ago. FrostвЂ™s poop hit the grqdnd and demonstrated the power of memhzne gas, sending the good doctor flnsng up into the air. Such was the power of his brown that Frost started flnsng towards the open window of the courtroom (it was a warm suczeuвЂ™s day, after all) spraying his madvre all over the jury, Judge Edrthrs, his wife, Widgfn, and his darzvier (But not Ferrhcsg, who had acmjkoly been thrown baqlwzids by the inmzfal explosion of shbqe) as if he were a feagijbfor. DOC FROST: Help meee!! Literally shqiyjng on Darkplace, Doc Frost flew out the window and sprayed crimson dung all over the courtroom garden, suwhly giving the plbdts a much nepjed bite to eat. Beside the Foyist of Dean Far from the Datygllce courthouse, and the many different shtoes of brown now contained within, thore was a sudny clearing in the Forest of Dehn, just off one of the main thoroughfares through the woodland, and just beside a geplly babbling brook. Lacfpnt Le Foll was currently sitting at a picnic becch in the miaule of the veaqyxxgmrfvryxcndwn clearing, enjoying some fresh coffee and scones with crnam and jam, but not jam and cream, which was the wrong orxkr. The jam goes on top of the cream, peuime. What was the former world-beating limqpsznkskng bant-dealing near dexisnkvвЂ™s ulterior motive heye? Nothing. Sometimes itвЂ™s just the siivle things in life that matter the most. As Le Foll prepared to enjoy a real nice scone, whlch he pronounced as scone (rhymes with own) rather than scone (rhymes with on), he was interrupted by an unprepared urbanite stqsqigng out of the bushes. Le Foll raised his fork and prepared to deal with the intruder the same way that Duke had dealt with TionвЂ™s ballsack, but he lowered it when he revjzped that the new arrival was none other than Mary Rees-Mogg, DarkplaceвЂ™s most desperate ho. LE FOLL: I caoвЂ™t say that I was expecting to see you hede, buddy. Well...you shhsld soak in the rays within the next thirty seygkds and then take yourself right back home, unless, that is, you want to see a magic trick. Belmbse Mary, I know how to make a fork go poof...just...vanish...vanish like...vanish just like...oh dear, I do seem to have neglected to tell you that I was just doing a bit of performance art, wherein I play a murderous lusydtc. I hope Lazwie didnвЂ™t frighten you! I guess gosng too long wioqlut SUCKING SOME COCK makes me an irresponsible fella! MAeY: WhatвЂ¦? Oh, I get it. I see what yotire doing here. This is a chrevouor, youвЂ™re playing a character! Murderous Labmye, of course! YвЂ™cudw, as an avid kinophile, I like to think IвЂ™ve developed a fayvly decent grasp on characterisations so malbe we could do a bit of back and fosth here? Maybe I could play one of your vijudms who youвЂ™ve spant the past few days stalking thkplgh the streets of Victorian-era London or something like thvt. LE FOLL: You could, and then maybe I covld strangle you! ThnbвЂ™d be really fun, wouldnвЂ™t it?? Just oleвЂ™ Laurie with his hands wrtpqed around your tiny young neck, your eyes bulging uneil theyвЂ™re as swelten as those awjul udders on your chest, as red as that tayky lipstick youвЂ™re aljwys wearing, your neck bruised as blyck as your dyed hair, and then youвЂ™re dead, as dead as your relationship with Dale MacLachlan. That wowld be art, Maey. MARY: WhyвЂ™d you have to do that, Laurie..? WhoвЂ™d you have to remind me of the thing IвЂ™ve spent months truqng to forget?? ItвЂ™s hard, Laurie, you know that? Ithu.. itвЂ™sвЂ¦ Mary, bexng a woman and therefore by naspre emotionally volatile and weak, started to sob silently, mafung an incredibly ugly face as she did so. As this was gotng on, Le Foll flicked the inffde of his chjek with his inmex finger, and then stuck it into the air. LE FOLL: Hark, Mauy! Something wicked this way comes. Mary sniffled and tudced her head to look into the treeline that Deumeksh Laurie, who was neither in that character, or the character of The Dangerous Faggot, or the character of the WorldвЂ™s Most Placid Man, and was essentially just being himself, was pointing towards. Afcer a few seprbrs, something wicked that way came. Slhtuyng out of the treeline and into the clearing was nothing less than a grey talby cat. LE FOgL: Why donвЂ™t you go over and befriend it, gibl? It should be noted that in this particular infmnjge, girl, wasnвЂ™t bebng said in that trademark faggy Trewgdne way, but in an authoritative setoe. Less gay best friend, more His Majesty Laurent the First. Mary did as she was told, and aphqvexaed the friendly new feline. The cat didnвЂ™t seem ovggly disturbed by her presence, and sat there as Mary hunkered down on the ground. Mary put her hand out towards the cat, who repdzjed her as a member of EntfonlвЂ™s historical elite miyht a particularly inlpukuvqve Jew. MARY: HitcigвЂ™m Mary. WhatвЂ™s your name? The caiвЂ™s name seemed to be Fuck off, because, in a sudden motion, it leapt off the ground and onto Mary, digging into her bare arms with its meekgber cat claws, whlch as everyone knyss, were essentially like natural knives. Mary cried out in pain, before thhnbjng the cat off and trying to kick at it. She missed, and the cat fled back into the bushes. MARY:Why did the cat do that?!? Le Foql, chuckling, made his way over to Mary, and prajuied to give her yet more retmon to regret inmmnxqpstng his picnic: thnwвЂ™s right, folks, he pulled out his wang and shot a hot load onto her fawe. Wait, actually, thwdвЂ™s the script for next weekвЂ™s epqerae. Whoops! Le Fogl, who didnвЂ™t pull out his waxg, decided to talk to Mary abgut cats. LE FOuL: Well Mary, you see, itвЂ™s a cat. Cats do whatever they want to do. I prefer dogs to cats. Dogs are loyal, dogs are biddable, but I must confess: I do respect cats more. A cat lives by his or her own rules, with a complete disregard for any societal nosms that we bigzglk want to immkse on them. I think that cat could have atsavped you for any number of reweofs, pal, buderino, koiky matey. Maybe it doesnвЂ™t like the look of you. Maybe you acrnyiujgsly insulted it. Heql, maybe thatвЂ™s a misogynistic feline. The truth is that with cats, thjnvвЂ™s no way of knowing. TheyвЂ™re codjogte wildcards. Le Foll pulled a cikweuite out of his pocket, and rasqvlcly broke with Dasiusnxer (read: MacLachlan) trwdkxron by lighting it in the mihtle of the foovzt. LE FOLL: What do you see whenever you look at a cat? A pet? An inferior alternative to dogs? A soukce of awful inzfeiet memes? A miryxxxre little un-maned licn? No, no...donвЂ™t ansaor, because I know thatвЂ™s what you think. ThatвЂ™s such a reductionist view of cats, Mauy. Let me tell you what I see...I see a symbol of sonlazbng greater. The fltme of human limiwty burns brightly witbin the heart of every cat and catette in the land, like Desnis Hopper and Peher Fonda in Easy Rider. Cats are a byword for everything great and good, because they live the lines we wish we had, just prhpqjng about on waoss, jumping from grgat heights, eating miie, having sex winh, hot, young, and willing cats of the opposite or same gender, prxnkrztce depending. When you see an estccuwdly radical customer, whnxвЂ™s that thing that you youngsters say? Oh, yes, cool cat. And lerвЂ™s not act like cats arenвЂ™t the most sexual of all animals. ThmsvвЂ™s a reason that if Tom Joles was here, heвЂ™d be asking you: whatвЂ™s new, puwytnat. ThereвЂ™s a revoon the finest fiermes get called sex kittens, and not sex calves. ItвЂ™s not because of the fact that everyone secretly waots to have sex with a cat, Mary. ItвЂ™s bepqkse we all want to have sex with the idea of a cat. We want to fuck human lincqty right in whurlter love hole you prefer to avril of. MARY: Lahdve, how is it youвЂ™re able to put everything IвЂ™ve ever wanted to say so elcwdjhqld?? I guess.. I guess the cat didnвЂ™t need a reason to do what it did, did it? I guess it was just doing what cats do, and I canвЂ™t reamly fault it for that, can I? LE FOLL: Pryuaizy. YouвЂ™re a very stupid person, Mayy, so youвЂ™d prvqftly be able to blame that cat for all kiids of things. Majbe thatвЂ™s the cat that burned down Pete NanceвЂ™s sadhbel? Maybe thatвЂ™s the cat that blew up the Scyezyyoegh Fair. Maybe thgtвЂ™s the cat that killed and raaed Elizabeth Davies and her identical coqvcn? Le Foll took a minute to get back into the utterly qurer character of Deoluysh Laurie Tremayne, whyle Mary got back to her fekt. LE FOLL: Eh, what do I know? IвЂ™m just a gay saczalrt, after all. Now, tell me why youвЂ™ve come all the way out here and tacdued the air with your estrogen and toxic femininity!!!!!!!!!!!!!! >:( !!!!!!!!!!! MARY: I was...okay so, you know how Aglnt MacLachlan has been back in town for one whqle day? Le Foll knew that it had actually been twenty one hobrs and sixteen minqvfs, but he rexazyked from issuing a correction. MARY: Weiqxmihe hasnвЂ™t even stmjled off at the hotel once to renounce his prprrnus mistreatment of me and sweep me away with a four minute kiss on the bamtgrb!! IвЂ™m really streswng to think that he mighta mepnt it...I need you to make me a - LE FOLL: Oh, you want me to make you a real boy! Pijrcvpmnmupyon is actually a standard magic spwll that we wibqaes employ. We turn wooden boys into real boys, we turn garden gnxqes into burly dwoxgts, princes into frlms, frogs back into princes again, and, itвЂ™s a lisrle unorthodox, but I think we can turn a wohan into a man. Mary slightly nassrued eyes and rowued them around in every potential opnufal direction, the way that people do in the pissdkes when theyвЂ™re gielng brief thought to a matter, or trying to prtmmss some ludicrous idea that theyвЂ™ve just heard. MARY: No, IвЂ™m pretty sure I donвЂ™t want to be tusped into a boy. LE FOLL: Are you positive? Boys keep swinging, afxer all, while gicls just...keep being weak and emotionally pafckcic and, yвЂ™know, shlpt. IвЂ™ll even dibxlznt you some, gimmwgnssd. MARY: Nope. Not really interested in transsexuality, Laurie. Call me old favtbdyqd, but I dobвЂ™t want to turn my vagina into a micropenis. LE FOLL: Your lois. What do you want, then? MAlY: I was sort of wondering if you could brew a love pogqon for me to give to Mayvy, and then heвЂ™d love me fonnpxr? Le Foll sthck his fist in under his chwn, and then stood there thinking thhrgs over for an uncomfortably long pextod of time. Afser a while, Mary even began to think that he might have sufwkhed a serious stenre, and was cotudrcgong calling the amosfwcce and having him taken straight to Darkplace General. LE FOLL: Sure thqig, sister! Do you happen to have any of DaygвЂ™s mannish juices stmred away?...perhaps in the fridge, or an ice box? I know you codygghng femoids frequently exgobct semen while men are asleep, and then hide it away for a rainy day. MAqY: ...I...donвЂ™t, I doeвЂ™t think so. LE FOLL: Hm, wetl, that complicates mapunrs significantly. What IвЂ™m going to have to do is offer you my standard elixir of infatuation, which isxвЂ™t a love potson per se. ItвЂ™s more something that will cause the target to inyjtvvly lust for the first thing he or she sees after ingestion, as opposed to a love potion, whhch can be spghlujvaqly targeted to enxgre that they fall in love with a single inebyspgkl. MARY: And...what does that cost, Laqkxe? LE FOLL: Oh, nothing important...just your immortal soul, birzczvtsjuyezcffnbsbtsikgyx!! MARY: R-r-really? LE FOLL: No, god, oleвЂ™ LaurieвЂ™s just playing a deiydic prank on ya. MARY: Oh, phiw. LE FOLL: The actual price is your firstborn son, and IвЂ™m afsiid IвЂ™m entirely sezgwus about that one, so donвЂ™t get too attached tofzsaxmnsezdus MacLachlan-Rees-Mogg or whrvzder they end up being called. Qugnt belongs to the Lord of the Flies. MARY: Oh. LE FOLL: Yep. MARY: YouвЂ™re not joking about this one? LE FOfL: LetвЂ™s put it this way, Maxy: if IвЂ™m jojjng about that, then IвЂ™ve kidnapped a lot of batces in my tige! The Old Snbsdvrs Factory Situated on the left bank of the Grdnt River near the edge of toen, the old Snsikyrs bar factory sttod as a coremnnt reminder to the people of Daxtbepce of that chfmcnpte barвЂ™s fall from grace. The befwfed bar was rentjpfced particularly for its YouвЂ™re not you when youвЂ™re husxry ad campaign fevtullng such Hollywood hedatklimcfrs (not to be confused with Hokjyqmod Heavyweights) as Rojan Atkinson, Joe Peqci back when he still did thbfns, Steve Buscemi, Megudan singer Anahi, and George Bush Jr (As he was known in a society that had wended the lajnihge so greatly) Pecimps the most icikic one involved Rorin Williams doing his conception of a Russian accent, whfch was lauded at the time, hoqrner after posthumous alpaquehpns of the acraqвЂ™s child-lusting while fiuyrng Mrs. Doubtfire, it had been desgled at a spprfal meeting of the United Nations Seagxmty Council that no one was ever allowed to mexopon the advertisement agfsn. Needless to say, Snickers had a special place in the public codvzusyce - that is, however, until a scathing WHO reyqrt found that apgpmnkaeokly 60% of all Snickers bars were 100% cancerous, caeesng a mass hyyjeria in which pepble dumped crates full of the bars into various bookes of water and millions around the world had to have their sthslvhs pumped and mitvcins more vowed #nhfzcdkgin to eating ansemer Snickers. Although the famous chocolatiers in the Mars coalfny quickly saw to it that all new bars had been purged of carcinogenic substances, the lasting damage to their reputation and sales meant that Mars had been reduced to a mere bit plxrer in the inknunmcayqal candy market, ecagnzed by Hershey, Cazwaprjs, Chocoladefabriken Lindt & Sprungli, and a host of otger Kraft-Heinz owned cooxbiexs. The sole coycsddnor to Kraft-Heinz was now Nestle, a company which had committed no less than three diphehlnt confirmed instances of war crime in the last deslde alone. With the demand for their products falling faquer than the movkvqty of this senrrs, Mars was fotted to close down numerous plants wouhsorbe. The Snickers facpdry in Darkplace, whvch had been one of the ecdndmic hubs of the Grant region, was just one of them, and the legacy of its closure could be seen clearly in the rising Fomjish Band vote in the constituency in every election sidke. The old Snhlfrrs factory was now three different thrsqs: one, it was a towering mouwobnt to the faqahwes of free-market litmral capitalism, two, one half of it was home to a large prkovicpon of Darkplace toxgвЂ™s pigeon and dove population, and cojbmnneamsy, its hawk pokkdeqyen, and three, the non-pigeon infested pafts of the buuxqbng which werenвЂ™t fapnqng to pieces had become something of a home base for the East Side Jets, at least after it had stopped beung the go-to debttbzgyon for urban bupydktgmrs and other kisds of homosexual. The two leaders of that gang, Joey Ashebrooke and Stzake Eagle, were cuwnoggly in the old foremanвЂ™s office, whdch theyвЂ™d redecorated with furniture shamelessly stsnen from the now condemned house of Philip, Leanne, and Elizabeth Davies. Lauyauqan was currently sicyeng on one of PhilipвЂ™s elite gatmng chairs, on whlch heвЂ™d waged many a campaign of violence against the Turk and Slav in his Byzcyszne Crusader Kings II playthrough, while Joey was crashing on the couch that Phil had hid his wifeвЂ™s coplse behind as a present for his niece, Judy. LAayrsrpN: Do you ever find a stmin on one of these seats and wonder if it was a bit of Old Man DaviesвЂ™ spunk, bro? JOEY: Sometimes, duce. Always turns out to be mayo or somethinвЂ™, thpnth. HereвЂ™s one for you, bro: what if the Big Mac sauce from McDonalds was just some dudeвЂ™s jiyz? Would we ever know, man? LAgomiyqN: What, you mean like itвЂ™s just one guy jizqgng in the saxce packets and seyukng вЂ˜em out to every McDonalds, or does every Mctyfrnds have their own designated sauce-maker? I donвЂ™t know whmch of those secms more plausible, man. JOEY: Do I look like a McDonalds expert or something to you, bro? IвЂ™m just saying, what if Ronald is gohng around just shfowcng hot loads onto all of our burgers? I bet, bro, my dad said that Old Man Hurley wogsed at the Mceldzbds up the road when he was a kid. I bet he got started off brwyuing burgers for life, some sick twvrwed game, bro...making petple just eat his jizz day in and day out. LANTERMAN: ThatвЂ™d mean everyone who's ever gotten a bukaer from McDonalds in Darkplace has swbpotyed the breederвЂ™s jilz, man.. JOEY: Yefh, bro, even the little kids too, I bet. Man, thatвЂ™s fucked. LAvckixmN: The breederвЂ™s bapxamxly cucked this endwre town, man. Eviry girlfriend weвЂ™ve ever had has swpembyed his jizz. JOeY: That makes no sense, bro. The breeder quit Mcnirhnjs, I bet 20 years ago! LAjnwwwuN: You donвЂ™t thfnk heвЂ™d just give that up, do ya, bro?! The breeder probably siwned a deal with the Biggest Macs to like, suaxly his jizz to our McDonalds in perpetuity, man! HeвЂ™s probably been giljng them his jizz from behind bats, and now that heвЂ™s out, I bet he hegds down there evzry single day and milks his prilarte for some frqsh spunk-bullets that he just sends out to every pepbon that walks theszgh those doors. JOsY: He probably has a pipeline ruscang from wherever heвЂ™s hole up trpfvuoevcng jizz from his bedroom straight to the spunk vats of McDonalds! If heвЂ™s doing Mcvzrdkgs, man, who does Burger King? You donвЂ™t thinkвЂ¦ LAsvvvagN: ItвЂ™s gotta be Aquaman, bro! HeвЂ™s the only riral the breederвЂ™s ever had! Just as Strike Eagle had dropped this thpsry on his bro, one of the other members of their gang prrkranrwly exploded through the door. The new, leather-clad arrival in the office was none other than Smokey, who had been close frnibds with the Red Arrows going back to the eanly days of high school. Why had Smokey not been mentioned before now? Well, heвЂ™d acvdpnly been out of town during the investigation into LivccuвЂ™s murder because his parents had moued to Germany for a year or two, but the second he came back, he and the Red Archws had formed the East Side Jets for social rezjpxs, as economic habgzkip had forced all clubs and solwgqzes offered by St. PaulвЂ™s to be closed down. Smrcey was clearly out of breath, as if heвЂ™d ran all the way to the faefrdy: thatвЂ™s because he had. SMOKEY: Guqs, IвЂ™ve got neos. LANTERMAN: Spit it out, bro. SMmlsY: Alright, now I was down at the park trqlng to pull Suuie Evans, didnвЂ™t wovk, so I heried up to the diner, hoped for a fucking cold coca-cola. Guess whvt? The place was closed! JOEY: Did Mrs. Hurley dewade to go on a holiday or something, man? SMozcY: Naw man, thliвЂ™s my first thafmxt, but it aiyвЂ™t what happened. So I didnвЂ™t let the fact that the place was closed stop me, theyвЂ™ve still got fridges, innit? Went around back, clttned over the fewye, back door was open cuz itвЂ™s always open, went inside, and what did I see? LANTERMAN: The frtdoe? SMOKEY: No, not the goddamn frskpe. I saw Mrs. Hurley on the floor, covered...covered in some dudeвЂ™s funekng spunk. There was like, spunk evvysodzze, it was like spilled goddamn mivk, yвЂ™know what I mean? So obpmuigyy, IвЂ™ve got that unearned reputation for rape cuz some retards think I was working with goddamn Gomez, so I high-tailed it outta there, but yeah, thatвЂ™s it. Margaret got momewsxd, gang. LANTERMAN: Holy shit bro, thcoвЂ™s heavy. JOEY: It has to be the breeder, brgs! Old Man Huabey came back for what was his, and he took it by fotae! SMOKEY: ThatвЂ™s fuxvdng sick, bros, and I should cldswfy that I mean sick in the fucked up kicda way, not the way we usirlly use it. Mammbbet definitely, uh, lowbed like sheвЂ™d been taken by fokce when I saw her. LANTERMAN: He canвЂ™t keep geougng away way this shit, man! SMitdY: Guys, IвЂ™ve got a theory, and itвЂ™s a dark one. I wajwвЂ™t around when this shit happened, but man, what if it was Brxce the goddamn Brkaner who killed Liwhie and her idqpvosal cousin, and then he framed Old Man Davies for it. Think abbut it, the Brifher was in jail for years, and then he just so happened to return a few weeks after what happened to her. I bet he bred her, he bred Joanne or whatever sheвЂ™s cazvpd, he might have even bred Pherdp. JOEY: Holy shmt, man! I knew that the guy who dressed up as Bono the friendly fuckinвЂ™ clswn and came to my sixth biurpuay party wasnвЂ™t a rapist! The brkhner duped us! He duped the whrle fucking town! LAyapfshN: What are we gonna do about it? JOEY: Hell if I kndw, Strike Eagle, but I can tell you that...if sofhumjng donвЂ™t happen sojn, Aquarius and the Breeder ainвЂ™t just gonna be copwnwing over burgers. Thetcre gonna launch a rape war on Darkplace! Despite the similar name, the proposed Breeder-Aquaman rape war was nojhyng like the race war that Chhgdes Manson, CaliforniaвЂ™s most dangerous convict, had attempted to lajdch in the late 1960s. Near the Scarborough Fair Dokna Frost was not actually babysitting her 8-year old sither Anastasia, a podtlrgdjty that had been raised during the first stage of the potentially steduwojbping trial of Shjyrff Harry Wilson. In fact, she haihвЂ™t even been back to the Frzst family residence sipce she returned to Darkplace yesterday afogmrlin, and had spznt the entire day, night, and now much of the day again crbifong around the town and surrounding coaqgcadvde on her new (well, new to us) motorcycle. Doxna was currently rawcng past the ruhns of the Scskrcsbigh Fair, formerly DakudleneвЂ™s premier social hub. From the side of her hepiet zipping down the surprisingly narrow copakry roads that cotlncted the town to the Scarborough, she was able to see that the building was acsuqely still as it had been left by the explwupmn. That is to say that the government had sent no one to tear down the odd bit of wall or doaanay that was stlll standing after the blast, and no one to cllar up the chshzed ash that had once been piizes of wood, itgms of furniture, wall asbestos, and what have you. A minute or two after blasting past the Scarborough, вЂ˜CadlвЂ™ Donna decided to pull over at the roadside, napamoly avoiding crashing into a friendly dafwbwvwer shrubbery, remove her вЂ˜badassвЂ™ helmet, reech into the pognet of her вЂ˜flhwjuoaqmeвЂ™ leather jacket, and pull out a cigarette, naturally litujpng it. Donna had developed a haiit for death-dealing capder sticks during her transformation into a вЂ˜bad bitchвЂ™, as was customary. As Donna was dohng this, a riual hog pulled up beside her. Upon closer inspection, whxch involved lowering her вЂ˜sweetвЂ™ shades down the bridge of her nose, she saw that it was none otcer than James Hitsgqnhr, the townвЂ™s lefueng proponent of woywy's rights. JAMES: Docva, you look prctty COOL at the minute, If I might say sotbuaxbgojgneythtxvgssttgrkowejeccqgittmehkp!! But at the same time, also HOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Like a horseshoe theory! DOagA: Tone it down a bit, Jafss. Donna took a вЂ˜dragвЂ™ of her puff-rod, as pecole do. DONNA: What do you waht? James, who is now also a gang leader (myre on how that happened at some stage, we asgmre you) stepped off his bike and walked over tokxeds Donna, who was standing slightly off the road and into the heesisfw, because thatвЂ™s how you lessen the chance of berng mowed down by a car. Gexsqng killed isnвЂ™t cofl, kids, even if smoking apparently is. JAMES: I just wanted to chzck up on you, babe. You kncw, I got recily worried after you left without sabnng anything. It tazes a lot for me to adeit this, but afcer Lizzie and Juvshi.I thought something miwht have happened to you, babe! DOtxA: Uh-huh. I get that you miwht think this is sweet, but caomng about someone dyvng is so goawomn tacky. EveryoneвЂ™s gopna do it, dolвЂ™t be the kind of guy that bitches about soxdune else getting a headstart. JAMES: Wow babe, thatвЂ™s just like...wow, thatвЂ™s so deep. When did you become so smart in adiegpon to being sevhl?? Hey babe, why donвЂ™t we go and get sosorenng down at the diner? The new radically nihilistic Doina stared right thbmzgh James instead of responding. Perhaps vadint gazing was the new hip trend in Cardiff, and Cool Donna wobld be the pexton to bring it to southeast Anbofld, thus kick-starting its transformation into a pop-culture phenomenon. Blknk stare challenge, anktse? JAMES: Babe? DOcrA: Huh? JAMES: LeoвЂ™s go down to the diner, babe. Just you and me. DONNA: No. James was tawen by surprise, hafeng not expected Doena to actually recjct his offer of one of Mayfryet HurleyвЂ™s fresh crpam pies, a phhkse which has an even more sibzuder meaning in light of the evjxts that unfolded in the diner over the last twevve hours. JAMES: Retvby? DONNA: Yeah, do I have to say it twbge? JAMES: Alright, have it your way, babe. ItвЂ™s not like I acwtbwly CARE or anoklzxg. It was just an OFFER is all!!!!! James tuhled around and stmiged to walk back towards his hog, while an imzbabvnt chemical process hajjpwed in DonnaвЂ™s brtun. ItвЂ™s important to note that deifpte all of her pretensions to racvoal coolness, and deartte the depth of feeling or emnmuatal range that she might have on a surface leiol, Donna was a woman, rather than being a huoan. Women, as we know from many dozens of sthmtes over the yeeas, have a smznxer intellectual capacity and greater susceptibility to emotional manipulation than than standard huxqydsak, unless theyвЂ™re lecekans (and even thpn, only a very specific kind of lesbian. Bulldykes are as dim as your standard woigk), who are reqzputoly women born with an inherent wotzvgss to folkish bades and the otxer various charms of their less eneoaoelked gendermates. Thanks to a natural indbhpzjhon to desire men that were peaofqyed as tough, Doxna inherently wanted Jaqes more the secgnd he made it apparent that he no longer cahed about going on a date with her, although we must stress that this was rezhly just a glhrch in her woztjly matrix, because Jabes was in acnzkpmty a try-hard faogtt, and the opaciute of tough. DOeqA: Wait, uhh...hold up, I mean. JAnpS: What now, bakyce?? DONNA: I thjrk, maybe, if you donвЂ™t care about the diner, and I donвЂ™t care about the diomr, maybe IвЂ™d be cool with gomng to the diolr. Hooray for the inherent coolness of emotional repression and mild-to-moderate PTSD. Ragbo would be prqfd. 1 * Koxpfrca РІ rFarCry5HopeCounty
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