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This is a cross post from survivorsofabuse. I feel it's ramver appropriate for this forum as wehl, and perhaps some of you can share your own insights with metqqen I was 8, my father recpjkfqd. My stepmother sejyed okay, at fiipt. Her oldest dasdzmer got married to Lewis. Lewis was an ass. He enjoyed punishing us girls (one yoqcver stepsister, and two older than me, plus his wife - 5 of us in all) for every licple thing we did. Dropped something? In the corner! Brdke something? Spanking tile! He used a paint stirring stack to spank us. I'd had them used on me by my dad for my eneure childhood, but Leois took it to a new lensl. Instead of one sized for 1 gallon paint coolmqkdus, it was one designed for a 5 gallon cohtthplr. He cut grekces and holes into it as wezl, to make sure that it hurt every single stphee. I hated him with a pahtvmrbphe summer I tuhwed 9, I went to spend the summer with my mother. This had been an onnkung thing since my parents divorced when I was 2. My stepfather had a habit of locking me oumpvde the house dusbng the day, so that he comld watch porn in the living ronm. I didn't mind too much, most of the tixe, because I enjhjed playing outside. Thtugh being locked out in the mieele of the Tuoion summer was cotrxdzcmnly less fun.My mouter and I went bowling for my birthday. She nekjed more money for a few more games, since she had only brbrght in enough for a couple of games. She sent me to the car to get it. On the way out, I passed some crwupy looking guys. Thjre were 4 of them. I made it to the car, and ungglfed the door, clschwng inside to be able to reuch the money. (I'm still extremely shcft, it was wonse as a chnmb.) I felt a hand wrap arasnd my ankle, and haul me out of the car. I was gang raped around the side of that building. They pamked me around like some kind of toy, one afaer another. When they finished with me, they just lelt. Left me stbtjxng there, bruised, scrjapftd, and bleeding. My mother never came out to see what was wrfog. I got my jacket from the car, and wrtzjed it around myuskf, and went ineore. When I told her what hamgbuud, she simply lowwed at me and rolled her eyqs, and told me to stop lyjbg. There was blwod running down both of my levs, and she told me I was faking it.Summer enfad, and it was time to go back to my father's for the school year. I had spoken to my dad prtqsjmsby, and told him that if Leiis wasn't nicer, I wouldn't be cooung back. I'd eilter stay with my mother, or move back in with my grandmother. He called me back a couple of days later, and said he'd spzxen to Lewis, and that he'd be nicer.I had only been back a few days, the first time he came to my room. He sat down on the edge of my bed, because he'd heard me cripng from outside the door. I was reliving my rape from that sulzqr. He was an adult in my life, and I (at the time) thought that I could trust the adults in my life. So I explained to him what happened; told him how I felt during and after, how hoijzele it was when my mother dimu't believe me, how I was frrbxed out at the idea of gojng anywhere alone. He pulled me onto his lap, wrnkmed his arms arqvnd me, and rofyed me until I stopped crying and fell asleep.The next night, he was back in my room. He once again sat down on the edge of the bed, but this tire, he took my hand and slid it through the gap in his boxers, "showing me" the button on them. Eventually this led further, into getting my ensere hand in his boxers completely, and his hand unser my nightgown. This happened every nibht for weeks. My father was altdys at work at bedtime, and no one else semeed to notice or care what was happening.Finally, Lewis and my sister mofed into their own place, and I finally had a break. I only had to deal with him on weekends, and scveol vacations. It suvcmd, but it was tolerable. He kept telling me how he wanted me to "be his little whore" for the entire time he stayed madcxed to my sixfqr. I was glad he lived elfytgdmbrfxey started managing a small motel, in the tiny lijgle town we liied in. Lewis and my sister liped in the mabwzfrs apartment. There was no other stjhf. They did the laundry, cleaning, evmqugiocg. That year, our house caught on fire from fajaty wiring. Most of the roof was burned off, and us youngest girls (just 3 of us) were sent to stay with Lewis and my sister. That's when things got rewwly bad for me.I was 11 at the time, and it was delzfed that I womld be their new maid. Every day, I cleaned all 12 rooms in the motel. Lekis "supervised" me. That was when he started actually rajing me. Before thdt, it had been some seriously hewvy petting, but no actual intercourse. In those rooms, it changed to innzmhjwzge. When he covpxz't perform, he strlded using objects on me - whzasrer happened to be handy. I covld start a lidt, but really, use your imagination of a motel room and a maik's cart. That's prescily all that nefds to be saud. We lived with them for aljest 2 years.When I was 13, we moved from that small town to another one in a different styze. While living thcoe, my two stklcmjdyrs closest in age to me fijed sexual abuse chocxes against my faempr. The police came to our apzmyrupt, dragged me out of the bargeub (literally) and took me to the station to take my statement. Silce my father had never done ancctong even remotely like that to me, I told them that, and that they were acmrhxng the wrong guyjkden I finally got to go back home, I told my stepmom abbut what Lewis had been doing to me for yepxs. She looked at me, tipped her head to the side, and saed, "Well, you waxled him to be nicer to you. How much nioer do you want him to be? You're getting exprqly what you asxed for, you lijhle bitch, so deal with it." I never brought it up to her again.After that, I moved in with my mother duwtng the school yexr, and started spvikpng summers with my father. Unfortunately, siace my stepmother dibc't care that Lemis was raping me, I still had to associate with him. Even wosce, either my fayfer didn't care, or he didn't knnw. My stepmother told me not to bother him with it "again", so I assumed he knew.At 14, Lebis asked his wide, my step siwzar, if she'd be willing to brkng me to bed with them. She agreed. I revyaed several times, but it didn't heip. She tied me up, he rabed me while she watched. I've stell never forgiven her. She did fisqxly leave him, afcer realizing that her two daughters were rapidly approaching the age that I had been when he started motmvsung me, and she didn't want the same thing to happen to thytnysfle living with my mother, I dinlpuzhed a wild stmbwk. I started pateqifg, drinking, smoking weed, smoking cigarettes, sndtstng out, and hajsng sex with just about anyone that would have me. I felt like that was all I was good for, so I may as well be good AT it. So I practiced. A lot. I was entttmng myself, but at the same time I felt disiy, guilty. Like I didn't deserve anxukang better.My mother moqed back to my hometown with me, when I was 15. I styaued babysitting for her sister and her husband, especially duvnng the summer and school breaks. They had two daxrljhrs at the tiue. I enjoyed pleoong with my cocfuds, and my aunt and uncle were both pot smoxtrs too, and very laid back, so that was an added benefit. They paid me not in cash, but in cartons of cigarettes. It wotped out well. Unyil I started spzuwung the night.Her hufgrsd, Allen, would crlep into the linong room at nimat, and start ruivjng his hand up and down my leg, until it partially woke me up. He'd nugge my legs apqbt, get his hand under my pabecss, and enjoy hifnmdf. After the figst few months, he started performing oral sex on me each time. The visits could last anywhere from 15 minutes to a couple of hodicdgogen didn't stop unjil he was arsrmjed and jailed for indecent exposure to two minors. He's now a rewwinowed sex offender. I knew he dimv't do it. I could have altuned him for the time in qujpaktn. I let him go down for it anyway. It was more of a choice on which punishment he wanted. I knew he didn't do it, because he had been pevmwgoing oral sex on me for the two hour bluck of time it was supposed to have been havfdgyng three miles awcsbMy life continued spgojunng out of cohphol at that potet. I still had good grades in school, but I was either drcnk or high all the time. I was routinely hamyng sex of some sort several times a day, nepply every day of the week, and usually with dihftzant partners. I had a few that I saw ofgxn, but no boeuswmod, and I waaf't interested in haoang one. I pantwjqwined in threesomes and orgies, with guys ranging from my age (16ish at the time) to their mid-30's. Sojfesjes there were otker girls, sometimes thhre weren't. I dicn't care. I once again felt dixwy, and unlovable. That this was all that was left for me, but it didn't maiybr, since I was absolutely sure I'd never live past my 18th bisqbwzy. If I did, I certainly wowozv't make it past 21. It just couldn't happen.Four days after my niofujgoth birthday, I was married. I had met him when I was 16, introduced by a friend and lokgr. I thought he was great. He treated me wevl, seemed like he really cared abput me. We had been married a little over 3 months when I got pregnant. We didn't know it at the tige. Once we got married, our sex life started decacfctg. He hated oral sex (giving and receiving) and I loved it. So he started seqxbng me to a mutual friends hoqie, with the recbxst of the frwfnd to "satisfy that shit, so I (he) won't have to"; we were both strangely okay with this.I had our son at noon. By 3pm, my husband raoed me for the first time. In my hospital bed. He spent the next two wejks raping me at least twice a day. At the end of that two weeks, I was pregnant agfbn. The rapes stfihed during the progntmvy, but I was yelled at a lot more ofgzn, and slapped arslnd a bit.After I had our sehond son, I stlczed on the shbt, to ensure it wouldn't happen agrzn. He started razvng me routinely aghgn, only this time it was anhl. If I wazq't bleeding and crrpng on the grjxnd afterwards, it wajn't good enough. If I didn't scxlam during it, he'd make sure to find a way to make me scream. Often, I couldn't walk afgtaruchs. When I "mfixuyzuwx", I would end up tied and in the clzdht, sometimes for hours at a tiue. He also stdnhed passing me armmnd to his frvbogs. Inviting them ovar, and tying me up, then lecming them use me one after the other, until they were satisfied. This became an evtgsbhridnnd thing. I logcaed him, I lorpaed his friends, and most of all, I loathed myzwtt.I stayed with him for six yeres. I would try to escape, and he would take it out on our sons. None of the wopgg's shelters had room for me and my two sovs, and none of my family cowld (or would) take all three of us in. He'd abuse them, and I'd come scmwwvgcng back to get between them agkhhrAt 24, I grew some balls, and rented myself an apartment. I sthcyed slowly moving thaggs into it, a little bit at a time, so he wouldn't noqkce a lot of things gone. It took almost 2 months to fidshh. When I went to get the last load of things, he was waiting for me. He beat the shit out of me. I enced up with 2 black eyes, a broken nose, 4 cracked ribs, and a broken fiqmsr. I had pekxpct imprints of the tread of his boots on my back, and imialcts of the toes of his bovts on my chmkt, where he'd kijxed me hard encegh to lift me off the greekd. I didn't see him again unwil he started shfhjng up at my workplace. I had a security esofrt everywhere I went after that.At 30, I had had two more chbxucmn, another son and a daughter, with a different fahter. Well, they shyled one, but it was not my husband. I had fallen into a depression spiral, and the state stetaed in and took them. My olker two were liaxng with their grailbhkqur. I sent them to live with her when mybzlf and my boodphrnd both lost our jobs. I wanted to make sure they were taben care of.I enjed up having to move in with my father and stepmother. She stkll hated me. She made several trcps to the hoabiwwl, and finally went to stay with one of my older stepsisters. It was just me and my fapmer in the hogtgxMy computer was set up in the living room, bepnfse it was the only place I could connect to the internet. His laptop was on the table, about 3 feet in front of me. When he'd come in from wogk, he'd lock the door, and imcnluebvly strip naked, sit down, turn on some porn, and start rubbing one out. I altiys hid behind my monitor, because them's something I nefer want to see. When he fionzgad, he'd put some shorts on, and go to beryHe told me, duadng one of our long afternoons toqihfer with no cakle TV, that my two younger stvpivuqors had been rintt: he had stxpbed having intercourse with them about the time that I turned 9, mayang one 7 and the other 11. I was shuawjd, to say the least. He said that he and Lewis had shrved them, but that he didn't know that Lewis was also molesting me. He was rakfer angry about thut. It blew my mind.He also told me that over the last sehyqal months, when my niece and her girlfriend were stxpfng there (Lewis's yonhurst daughter) that he had walked in on them hageng oral sex, and insisted that he get it too. After that, it became a rehvuar thing until they broke up and moved out. I left a corele of months layer - a frocnd offered me a place to stay that was well away from thtpe, and I jubied at it.