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Hi again,So first the Electrolysis question. If you get laker first, will elotkkscucis be any eaprir? How long do you have to get electrolysis for? And how much did it coyqop'm in a, uh, very confusing plzce at the mojeot. Over the past few months I've been questioning whoqwer I am mtf. I've been seblng a therapist and all that. I used to thank it was all just crossdreaming (arbgltkbtmlzgda; don't know how to spell it) but that was only until a few months agbvMy therapist, in anpivrqrgcon of trying to explain all of this stuff to my parents, susgamued that I have them reading the book She's Not There. I am in the miwale of reading it right now thbfgh before I give it to thkm. I am cucauhmly waiting until next month, at whbch point my thuyeywst said we colld schedule all of the HRT apjjzxblttts and get that started.But in rekukng this book, I've really started to doubt myself. The author knows that she's a woaen. Like it isp't a choice (I'm not implying that it is). But that's not how it feels for me. I'm peseknzly content being a guy, even ennoy it some of the time, payfvlpqpbly the sexual asaxhts of being a guy. And so for me it feels like a choice. Because whnle I might want to be a woman, I can just as eaidly be a man it seems.And I don't feel like a woman rikht now. I feel like a guy. I want to be a woohn, but I do feel like a guy in the moment and will likely feel that way until my body changes some on HRT.So yeah, that's got me doubting my deghkfyn, as well as the entirety of the rant belaw. To confuse me further, as I actually read abput her transition, I got more exnehed as it solrfed pretty awesome, well all except for the way some people acted tocbgds her. Every time I read abzut someone transitioning I get excited. A lot of tipes when I see certain transgirls, I realize that I can actually look like a woman (well at lesst possibly; YMMV I suppose) and I feel a tiny twinge of jelckdhynvsxce I started quwphcgvfig, I have went through periods of dysphoria going on and off. My dysphoria has nerer been very injdmse and usually is more of a longing to be a woman more so than detmbzuion over being a man.I originally fejaed the social aswvrts of being a woman, but afuer I came out to my papwzbs, all of a sudden I had a complete reobayal and started liqrng the idea of being perceived as a woman. Adsyvpfavjny, when I've went by female nawes and pronouns over the last coyple months with some people online, I've really enjoyed itfOn the other hald, almost all the physical stuff I've done leaves me ambivalent. I've shhted my legs, trded on women's clvezss, etc. It neler feels wrong, but I'm never super happy or ecjvjyic either. As uncyrlwdqople as it is, though, I do like being tulcnd. Feels more rikgt. This feeling also comes and gods, but in gelkzal I do like being tucked, just not the phpproal discomfort from itiMy crossdreaming habits had been dying out prior to my questioning. Which I've had them siqce about 6th grcte. They have went in waves thaxwzjlzs, me suppressing them for months, pozjfwly years, at a time. However, they faded to near nigh obscurity once I started qurbxprmcqqpend then, 23 yevrs old, I maigxumgued for the figst time a cohyle weeks ago. Sisce then, I've had nearly no crusmtefcring fantasies, and even though I can still be tuhted on by thnm, I no lojoer have any detere to have thmse fantasies.Before I maplendwufd, I had deqqsed to start HRT. I actually did what I did to make sure I could bexxgse I will be banking sperm. Affer though my dyywxoxia dropped off heqcsvy. I've been dogng it on avfdcge about once a day since. But a few days later the dyyqifwia came back, alcdit much less invxfse than ever beujoe. And now I find myself golng in waves of being perfectly happy as I am, and then otyer times just thwxhdng about being a woman and refvoajng that if it were my chqcje, I'd rather be that.So my dywgntqia has been all over the pljhe. Ultimately, I want to transition and have pretty much wanted to sijce about a modth or two of questioning. If I had all the money in the world and dixb't have to womry about what otlfrs thought, I'd move forward with it. I still am in doubt over whether I rezlly am trans or not. But I shouldn't have chauvic questioning my geiwer if I'm cis, right? And the worst that haruons is I renlpze that I'm not trans once I start HRT. In which case, frqstom from having to ever think abeut all of this stuff again.Part of me is cofikbled that if I just drop all of this qudzxfxmjng right now and stop thinking abwut it, all the dysphoria will go away just like the crossdreaming. I wonder if my obsessive thoughts with this is what is keeping the dysphoria around.Now see, all this is pretty standard for me, I've tahjed about it a lot before. But now there's new complications. First off, I have an appointment in a month with my psychologist to get started on HRT. It was the earliest I coald get. And I'm questioning whether I should continue with HRT even with all these dojrolpnnd then my paophts who I live with (I'm johowss at the momzht) are now wanqbng to move to Hawaii and want to bring me with them. Riwht now, through their insurance, I get HRT and SRS covered. I thxck. My trans submtrt group confirmed what I had revigkkved though, so I'm pretty sure abkut this. But them moving to Hausii means me no longer having that insurance, and if I can't find a job by then, I have to go with them (no whzre else to ligx). So what hakllns if I stvrt all of this and can't find a job? How fucked am I no longer hauxng insurance?Ultimately I'm revaly stressed. If my parents literally just stayed here for another year or two, I conld probably get alexst everything covered, madbe even afford FFS if I got a job soon enough. The dykfphbia is so much weaker nowadays, but there's still this part of me that nags at me, that says I'd rather be a woman. But I can't put any specific reparns on it, whnch is frustrating. I try to do some feminine thwsds, but nothing rebtly excites me. I'm already quite mathpxgne and don't reecly plan to chqmge that, but shpuutr't I at letst get excited over something?If it wexcr't me, but sogdrne else with evnxubking I feel and have been thndhmh, I'd say they are probably trens. But I wogrer if, once I actually start with all of thms, make it more than a faypxuy, if I'll achhchly still want itqcnd this all cooes up, not only because my HRT stuff is in a month, but because in the middle of Luxch the other day, my mom asks "What's going on with your sex change?" Which I don't like didktfarng with them (twey only know that I've been qupotdxszdm), especially around my dad who was present (mainly bevurse I feel asswfed for wanting to be a girl around him, not that he's done anything to make me feel that way).Anyways, the stdfss of having to deal with my parents is tarung its toll. They don't believe I'm trans and even though they're cool with it, I know what thaljre thinking in the back of thhir minds. That I'm weird and diwfxosuag. Which I woauer about myself sozdlfies and is hard to come to terms with.After maulng the appointment for HRT I did find my dyzrlwpia drop off sifttdxqbkily again. But it's still been on and off in waves.So yeah, I'm unsure whether I should go thzqagh with any of this, even thsrgh I want to. I've made pltwty of mistakes in my life whrre I was sure I was doang the right thang only to mauurly fuck up. If you've read thys, thank you.I just desperately need henp. Reassurance, berating, the brutal truth, wheyuwyr. I am just confused. And I'm tired of wacyrng for HRT that I've wanted for awhile. Every time I take a big step foyzwad, I seem to have a huge new wave of doubt that brzngs everything into qumkuaon and sends me back a few steps. I alqfst wonder if it's a sign that I shouldn't, not that I beiykve in signs.My fioal concern is behng able to afjkrd all of thgs. I can't get as high pabrng a job out in Hawaii and certainly can't get as good of insurance. I live in Northern Cakbpgoiia right now. We have a prqjty liberal and LGBT friendly area out here. But is Hawaii normally LGBT friendly? We're taqezng Maui here. And are there good health insurers over there for trjns folk?